Unfortunately, I did not eat a cactus. But praise the Lord, He has seen fit to bring all the details together to provide a diagnosis and plan to move forward with my spine and nerve issues. (You can read my last few blog posts if you need a little background).
Before I share the bottom line, I believe the Lord is leading me to share how I’m doing. My hope is that you would not feel sorry for me or even on the other extreme of that, think I’m whining or complaining…but that you would understand how God has been near and strong for me, and how His timing is working not only to show Himself strong & capable, but to do a work in me personally. That’s the true bottom line anyway.
Over the past 3 days, my pain level has spiked to almost unbearable, even with meds. My right shoulder and arm often feel as though they are literally being stabbed in some areas & sawed off in others. I have very little feeling left in my right hand, & my tricep and wrist are weak to the point of feeling like a rag doll. The back of my neck aches constantly & literally has a tingling zipper feeling going up and down it most of the day.
But that’s only the top half.
Then there’s my right leg. Constant throbbing deep inside my hamstring, the glute and hip are stabbed and squeezed if I try to sit in any chair or position, and especially riding in the car is excruciating. The numbness & tingling go all the way down my calf into my foot, and half the day I feel as though my right leg will collapse from under me.
So I have two positions: pacing & lying flat on my back. And this has been going on in one way, shape or form since the end of August. It’s just taken awhile, been a long process of getting to the bottom of it all, and some of that is in part to my inability to grade my pain and my lack of experience in dealing with these issues.
Here’s the cool thing. I haven’t cried once, I’ve been totally strong, and everyone thinks I’m Wonder-woman, not to be mistaken for the Bionic Woman, mind you. And now my nose is growing…I’ve sobbed and sobbed and whined…I’ve begged & pleaded with Jesus to come back now. I honestly have wished that I were Mrs. Potato Head and could just remove my right arm and leg and put on a new one. Full nights of sleep have been few, and I’ve emotionally and mentally gone places that I would never dream I’d ever go to. Not pretty.
We’ve dealt with insurance company frustrations & doctor’s office frustrations, and I’m sure that ain’t over yet.
So there you go…many have expressed that I’ve been quiet through all of this, and that’s because I needed to be. This has been the type of situation that has needed a great deal of personal time with the Lord, and besides, who’s up from 2 to 4 in the morning when I’m really falling apart? The One that never slumbers, praise His name.
I said it a few blog posts ago, and I will say it again. I have NO IDEA how people live with chronic pain every single day of their lives and not lose their minds…God’s mercy is surely involved. He has brought several people to my mind to pray for in the middle of my own pain. And I pray I never forget them if my own pain comes to an end.
Through every tear, every pace through the house, every pleading, every complaint, I’ve not had a single moment where I felt abandoned. God has been preciously near and involved, and as always, faithful. Even when I’ve been an absolute unbelieving fool. Do you see Him in all of this? I hope so. He hasn’t wasted my pain, not an ounce of it. Oh, how I love Him so.
Tangibly, He has provided for my needs through the Holy-Spirit led Body of Christ. Dear friends, and brothers & sisters from my local church and my kids’ school have not only brought my family yummy meals, each one has also had a word of encouragement that has lifted my spirits, and my kids too. They’ve spoken God’s Truth into our situation, and make no mistake, it has made a tremendous difference in this whole process. Online friends & family have typed the perfect words to me at the perfect time, and notes of empathy and comfort have sprinkled in supernaturally timed to nearly the exact moment I was giving over to despair. Folks, my Father has been all up in my business, personally, intimately & tangibly. Sends the good kind of tingles up my spine.
Yesterday, all the xrays and MRIs and other tests finally game together into a “game plan.” So I’d love for you to pray that all would proceed as God has planned in such a way that resonates His glory through every step.
This coming Monday, December 10th, I will have cervical fusion surgery (Lord-willing) at 3:30. It is a pretty common procedure that has good results of recovery and success. This is because of a massive herniated disc in my neck that is compressing the nerves. We need to get in there fairly soon to correct in hopes that there will not be permanent nerve damage.
My 2nd MRI on the lower part of my spine also had a massive herniated disc, which explains the pain in the sciatic nerve and down the leg. The spacing of my vertebrae are better in this area however, so fusion surgery is not necessary. Microdiskectomy surgery of this disc is scheduled for December 24th right now, so I’ve got a little ways to go to get through all of this. But because of the Lord, I have peace of mind, at least for this moment. Praying that I give Him all of the following moments by moments.
I’d really appreciate your prayers in the upcoming weeks in every way the Holy Spirit leads you. As a wife and mom, I’m most concerned about my hubby and kids, but I know the Lord loves them even more than I do…depending on Him to be all up in the details, just as He has been all along the way.
Much love to all of you, and I pray you have a Merry Capital Letter “C” Christ-filled CHRISTmas that leaves you nothing but rejoicing as we start a new year.
For those of you who hurt, whether physically or emotionally, I pray that the God of hope will fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13). Amen. My heart goes out to you, and you are very loved.
Please take a moment to thank God with me, for His goodness, faithfulness, loving-kindness, mercy & most of all, His amazing & sovereign grace. I encourage you to spend some time reflecting today on all the ways He has been near and present in your life & circumstances. Peace to you!
I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have spoken of Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness
and Your truth from the great congregation.
Psalm 40:10, NASB
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